Counting down to Sonoma

If i had stuck with the original plan, I would even now be settling into my Casita in Scottsdale--and I'd have had to deal with airports, airplanes, rental cars, limitations on luggage, the usual stuff. Instead, I'm counting down till Sunday afternoon, after church, after a congregational meeting and a committee meeting, when I can drive the hour and a half to the Valley of the Moon. This time, I'll be smart and go by way of the beach. That should cut half an hour at least from my last trip.
So, what have I been doing lately? Wednesday, I saw my podiatrist--a doctor who had NOTHING to do with cancer--yippee. I get hard little calluses in the pores of my feet and after a while, it feels like I'm walking around on pebbles--in this case the Rock of Gibraltar on one foot and Ayers Rock on the other. Even with my numb feet I could feel them. They are gone now.
Saw my primary care yesterday, who congratulated me on being done. I told him I NEVER want to do that again. I will, if I ever have to, but given my druthers... I got a flu shot, which is now swollen and red with a huge almost spider-web bruise. I want sympathy for that--and I really want it to feel better before people start massaging every muscle I have.
Today was terribly exciting in that I saw no doctors at all. Can life get any more exciting than that? I celebrated by lounging until after 11 in the morning, finishing my next to last Sue Grafton book. I've moved on to T is for Trespass. When I finish that, I'll just have to wait around for the next one the way I waited for the Harry Potter books. Not to worry, I have a new series to start by Nevada Barr. The good thing about driving to Sonoma is that I can take as many books and as much yarn as I want. I've got a sweater for Glenn in the works and a baby blanket that I'm already bored with but will finish--thinking about taking yarn and needles for a new project, since I'll be there for a week. Let's face it, you just can't be slathered with lotions, potions, and creams 24 hours a day--you need to knit and read too.
So there I am. My beloved Bears are playing tomorrow, may they do well. I'm nearly packed with way more than I need, but you just never can tell what you might want.
xxooxx

Done!

Like Robert Redford, at the end of "The Candidate," I find myself asking "What do I do now?" Oh I have follow up appointments scheduled and it will take me a few weeks to get my strength back, but the daily focus on cancer is over. I'm doing well and looking forward to lounging tomorrow--at least until my podiatrist appointment in the afternoon. Beside my upcoming trip to Sonoma, the only excitement is "how will my hair grow back?' It is already taking on color--well, some dark amid the white. It isn't long enough to see if it will be curly or wavy. I still have mounds of paper to throw away or deal with in some other way, and much work to make the bedroom semi-tidy, so I think I will manage to fill my time. Sonoma will be a nice break. I'll start to try eating things that have been off the list through radiation--just not too quickly. I got through that remarkably well, so I don't want to jinx things.
So that's where we are--finishing healing and happy to be a cancer survivor.
xxooxx

Seasons

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. Now when I was a little girl, all seasons changed on the 21st, regular as clockwork. Now it moves around--or they have more specific ways of timekeeping and can pinpoint it more accurately. The point of this particular exercise is to note that I have now been dealing with cancer in one way or another in all four seasons of this year. It started in winter, lost the whole spring and summer to it, and here it is, autumn. The good news is that tomorrow I'm done with treatment. I don't know quite what's in store after that. I see my oncologist after my last radiation, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I know there is some recuperative time after radiation, and I know that life will never be the same. So here's to autumn, changing leaves, the earth preparing for winter. People way we don't have seasons here in the Bay Area. We do--they are just subtle. You have to appreciate small changes. I do.
xxooxx

September 21

Our mother died 16 years ago today. I hope that means she's having a great Sweet Sixteen Party in heaven. I miss my mom every day--sometimes more than others. I especially think of her today and also on February 21's. That was the day she was diagnosed with leukemia. This year, it was the last day I worked, though I didn't know it at the time. I was planning on being back at my desk the following Monday and on the Snow Train to Reno the next day. I was not pleasantly surprised.
So what else has gone on in the last few days--not much. I was not overcome with a desire to clean. As a matter of fact, I learned that it is not such a good idea to clean at night--you miss lots of stuff. There I was, so proud of vacuuming the landing and four stairs--the stairs are still pretty clean, but the landing is covered with dust again--which makes the whole exercise pretty pointless. Think of how much more I could accomplish if I waited till it were hip deep.
The Giants lost yesterday, every PacTen team I rooted for lost yesterday--and yes, I did root for the Bruins. I'll root for them whenever they aren't playing my Bears. They are cousins, after all. Today was a problem, because the Giants and 49ers were on at the same time. We watched the football game. It didn't matter, because the Giants were still 0-0 against the Dodgers in the 11th inning after the 49ers won. Then I got to watch the Giants win. Altogether a satisfying day, even if I was reminded of a really bad day.
That's it for now--it's halftime between the Packers and Dallas. I have to root for the Packers because (a) they aren't Dallas and (b) their QB went to Cal. I generally don't know who to root for when there are Cal players on each side.
xxooxx

Not a good sign

Counting down--only two more to go. My beloved Giants whooped the Dodgers tonight, 7 to nothing. They were doing so well so early on, that I got out the Dirt Devil, plugged it in, and vacuumed the landing and the upper stairs. Now there are only four, but if I have the energy to vacuum, something is seriously wrong. I've been making small inroads in the bedroom, too. I must have too much time on my hands or I'm feeling too good. Actually, the radiation is starting to catch up with me, only instead of getting tired at the end of the day, that's when I get my first wind. I feel pretty wretched in the morning, but it gets better as the day goes on. I have some minor skin irritations, but no big deal.
Today was Charlie's last day at radiation. I will miss him and his wife, Bonnie. Evan still has a ways to go, so I'll get to see him, his wife, and their baby who will be one in 10 days--probably not Monday, because I have blood work before radiation and it seems to take them forever--but if I leave early enough on Tuesday I'll see them for a good luck hug. Charlie is in a wheelchair--don't know why, maybe polio because he wears braces. He didn't get a good luck hug--I pulled his baseball cap off and planted a kiss on his head. I have trouble passing up heads. Although, just for the record, Charlie has more hair than I do.
My hair is growing. My eyebrows are coming in enough that I no longer need eyebrow pencil. I can use it if I want to, but I don't look like an alien without it. Eyelashes are coming back, too.
Wednesday, on the way into radiation, they were playing Eine Kleine Nachtmusik on Mozart in the morning. That was Lee's favorite piece, no foolin'. I wept quietly all the way to San Mateo--and felt like an idiot for doing it. I lied on Tuesday's post--I did have something to do in the evening, but it was knitting circle, and that is a pleasure. Last night I went to an Eastern Star meeting--haven't been to that chapter since before the infection--seems like and awfully long time ago.
Besides light vacuuming, I practiced a little tonight--real violin, not fiddle. I ordered some new music several weeks ago. It came this week, so I had to try it out. I'm a little rusty. The new A string that I put on at the Gulch still isn't too excited about staying in tune, so I had to keep stopping and tightening it. I remember my last violin teacher, that I studied with for 22 years, saying that she had a student whose family took his violin back to the store because it kept going out of tune. Little violinist joke there. But then, my late friend, Glenn (as opposed to my son, Glenn) worked with someone who wanted to learn the viola, so he bought one and paid someone to tune it. I sure wish I had THAT gig.
Time to wind down and try to get to sleep. Don't have a clue what I'll do tomorrow--maybe clear out more floor space in my room. Now there's a scary thought.
xxooxx

Recovering from the weekend

Even though I really didn't DO anything, I'm still recovering. Yesterday I had blood work before radiation, so I didn't get to say good by to the girl just before me who finished her treatment. I did have a rare treat Monday afternoon. The Bride whose wedding I attended in August was working and had a layover in San Francisco. Did I feel well enough to have coffee with her? You betcha. I picked her up at the airport, and we spent the afternoon drinking pomegranate tea and catching up. I loved her at eleven and I love her now all grown up.
Today I had a longer session because the changed my radiation--took lots of x-rays and "boosted" (their word) my radiation for the last week. Five more days to go! I just don't know what I will do with my time when I have no more treatments to go to.
I went down town at noon for an appointment. I walked up to Union Square afterwards and stopped in at North Face to personally thank the manager I worked with in January to get me ready for my trip to Lake Louise--and tell her my story about the ski pants saving my life. I also went into Britex to buy buttons for the latest sweater, then down to the San Fransisco Center where I could take an escalator down to BART. I was going to do some grocery shopping, but was just too tired. I fell asleep watching Judge Judy and barely had time to heat up some dinner before I was off to Session meeting at church. Blessedly I have NOTHING to do all day and evening tomorrow after radiation.
xxooxx

Back from Fresno

It wasn't so bad, as weekends in Fresno go. I didn't have to drive and I spent very little time out of doors in the heat. It took us forever to get there on Friday because there was a big accident and fire on 580--all gone by the time we passed it, but it took about two hours to get from my house to the east side of Altamont Pass. After that, it was pretty much smooth sailing. Not really a problem, except that we had a 7 PM dinner. Even that wasn't so bad, because seats were saved for us. I had to moisturize (one of the treats that comes with radiation) and change after I checked in, but thanks to a few years in little theatre during my college years, I'm a quick change artist and really didn't miss much. It was a buffet and our table was among the last to get in line, so we could have been lots later and it wouldn't have mattered. I did get tired of sitting and my hips hurt.
Saturday morning, I had an early breakfast, because the Cal Bears (my beloved Cal Bears) were on ESPN with a nine o'clock game against Maryland. They didn't really get cracking until the second half--if the game had been five or ten minutes longer, they might have pulled it out. As it was, they lost, but not as badly as it looked like they were going to lose. After the game, I went trotting off to try on my dress for Grand Chapter. It is too long, so I didn't get to bring it home. At least it is pretty, which my last two Deputy Grand Chapter dresses weren't. After the dress fitting, I debated on lunch or a nap. I really wanted to have a late lunch/early dinner, because the reception (the whole reason for going to Fresno) started at 7:30 but we had to be there by six for pictures. My hips were still hurting pretty bad, so the nap won. I set my alarm for 3 then lounged till about 3:30 and went off in search of food. To my displeasure, I discovered that the coffee shop closed from 2 to 5. Ah, but there was room service! Back to the room, checked the menu for something I could eat, called and placed my order. The girl who took it said it would take about half an hour. That gave me time for a bath. All clean and dressed, I waited for lunch with my book. At about 4:40, when I still had no lunch and was feeling like a refugee, I called to see how much longer it would be. Let me check, says the girl, and clicks off. Presently, my phone rang and it was actual room service, who had no record of my order. By now, I was starting to steam. The y took my order again--turkey sandwich, no tomatoes, diet coke, and chocolate ice cream. About how long will that take, I asked. When they said another half an hour, I lost it. The room service manager got on the line and said he would comp my meal. Fine, I said, see what you can do. It was looking like dinner wouldn't get to me till around 5:15 at the earliest. I put on my makeup and read more of my book. Eventually, a very nice young man brought my lunch. The turkey sandwich included the tomato that I can't eat while I'm on radiation, but no cranberry sauce that was promised on the room service menu--and I had to put my own mayo on it. It included fries, which were good, but I couldn't open the catchup, so there went my veggie. There was no diet coke and the chocolate ice cream was chocolate cake. But it was free and I was starving. I managed to eat, get into my dress, and cross the street (painfully, the hips were really hurting) in plenty of time for pictures. So there really is a free lunch...
The reception was nice, but long--those hips again. There is just no way to sit comfortably. I saw many friends and wouldn't have missed it for the world. I was really hurting by the time it was over.
The trip home was uneventful and quick--no traffic to speak of. I got home in time to see most of the 49ers game--they won in overtime, as did the Giants, in extra innings. Sure, now that it doesn't matter, the Giants are winning.
So here I am, ready for a blessedly early night. I have to get to the hospital early tomorrow morning to have my port flushed (sounds nasty but it isn't) before radiation. Glenn is going to take me, he says, because the girl from his 5th grade class finishes her radiation tomorrow and he wants to wish her well. He'll come with me Tuesday, too, because that is Radiation Oncologist day, and he likes to be there for the doctor appointments.
I took my camera with me this weekend, but it never left my room, so you will just have to use your imagination for beautiful downtown Fresno.
xxooxx

Exercise

So, there I was, after radiation, feeling sorry for myself, playing Spider solitaire and not looking forward to my self-assigned task for the day--trying to create a little space of order out of the chaos that is my bedroom (we'll save the office for sometime when I REALLY have nothing to do), and Glenn says "Do you want to to for a walk?" Heck, yeah! So off we go to the rec trail. We didn't make it the whole three miles, but we did go two, slowing way down for the hills and resting a lot--I think I was doing 35 minute miles. We saw deer, a lizard, and lots of water fowl. It was warm enough but not hot and not cold, the fog having flown earlier in the morning. So now here I am, revitalized, ready to watch the Giants win again (they are on a streak). Unfortunately, I will have to put off the order out of chaos--there is only so much energy that I can expend in a single day, and I've used up today's allotment. This evening is knitting circle at church. I'll take some show and tell, then I can send it off to my sister for her friends. I think I'll go to radiation tomorrow.
xxooxx

Random thoughts

The mind is an amazing thing. I can remember that I was in horrible pain for a week or so in February, before my surgery, but I couldn't for the world remember how it felt. I can remember how scared I was when the incision opened with infection, and how miserable I was in the hospital, but I can only tell you that I was uncomfortable. I can remember the orc wars, but can't remember how sick I felt while they were going on, just that I felt really bad. I can remember that I was utterly exhausted when I seemed to have one red blood cell in my body, shuttling oxygen around, but again, I can't recapture the feeling. And those are all good things. As I can see the end of treatment (two more weeks of radiation), I remember that it was not fun, for the most part, but I don't remember specifics. Thank you, God, for making it work that way. After all this time, which in the big scheme of things wasn't' really that long, I am still overcome with feelings only of gratitude for the friends who have helped, and are continuing to help, along the way. There may yet be treats in store from the radiation, but I know that they, too, will pass and become a dim memory of something. There are still occasional "Why me" feelings, but they go away. I have known from the beginning that I will be fine. All of this has just been bumps in the road--a few major pot holes--but something that will be behind me soon.
That's it for today's musings.
xxooxx

Hair!

It seems to be coming back. Not necessarily where I would like it, but coming back all the same. This morning I had to put the tweezers to my chin--don't remember the last time I did that, sometime in May, I think. It may be wishful thinking, but I think I see baby eyebrows when I'm penciling on something that passes for them. My legs felt a little scratchy when I put lotion on them this morning. And the head. I think I see and feel new growth. That will take the longest time, of course. One of my friends in radiation, breast cancer, started chemo after I did and finished before (is that fair?), said she and no hair then all of a sudden there it was. The downside of hair coming in is that it renders the cranial prostheses even hotter and itchier.

I still have tingly fingers and toes. Sometimes I think they are tingling more and that is the start of feeling coming back, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know which I'm looking forward to more--a full head of hair or feeling in my fingers and toes.

Of course, I still have projects going. This is a sweater for ME, although one of the wives in the radiation waiting room thinks is would do handsomely in her wardrobe. Guess again.

This one is for the baby of one of my sister's friends. It's kind of fun to work on something completely new and different--even if I do have to rip it out more often than the patterns I can do in my sleep.

That seems to be it for now. The Giants were quite spectacular yesterday--unfortunately, I was watching the 49ers at the time, who weren't. Don't these people know they are part of my recovery?

xxooxx

Gulch Pictures

Our cabin

The start of the hike to the dining hall

Still going down

The steps to the first bridge

Looking back at the steps

The flat part between the bridges

The steps up to the dining hall

Just about there

In the dining hall with Aimee and part of Marge.

Getting back to the cabin was down the steps, over two bridges, with the glorious flat part, then up the other steps and hiking up the rest of the hill. I usually lay down when I got to the cabin. The hikey stick was a real blessing.

The Band--Keeping up with the Joneses--for this year

Back from The Gulch

Had a good time--managed to keep up most of my fiddle duties, though I took lots of naps. Pictures will follow when I have the energy to upload them. And speaking of energy--I did better than I expected to. I walked to and from all meals--this will mean more when you see the pictures. My hips would be screaming by the time I got within sight of our cabin, and sometimes there were actual tears in my eyes--but I made it. And I must be in better shape than I thought, because my calf muscles are not screaming at me. I took it slow and used my trusty hikey stick...and I generally napped after climbing the gulch after a meal.
Fiddling presented a whole other dimension. My fingers and toes are still tingling, so that's a bizarre sensation. I wasn't always sure I was getting my fingers in the right place. When we practiced, Sunday morning, the first thing I was presented with was a broken A string. I have a spare--in fact I just ordered two more since the A's seem to enjoy breaking more than the others My E string looks like it is about to unwind at any minute. The violin store, of course, recommends changing your strings every six months. I think I'll stick with the "when they break" method, myself. This year we had me on the fiddle, Marcy from Seattle on the accordion,
a wonderful addition, Eric on keyboard or fiddle as he saw fit, and Joe on guitar and/or calling or dancing. I was mostly able to keep up with the correct speeds. I was always thrilled when there was a passage on the E string, because then I could rest my arm against my side. I was clutching the fingerboard so hard I nearly got a blister at the base of my index finger. My fingertips turned black, but that always happens when I play a lot. I know lots of tunes but I'm going to have to expand my list this next year.
I know the Gulch was Lee's thing, and he pretty much had to drag me the first year I went (1978, just before we were married). Now, I wouldn't not go. Especially since we started up the band. I tell people it was part of the marriage contract. He had to become a Cal fan and I had to go to the gulch every Labor Day Weekend. We were missing several long time attenders, but it gave me a bit of pause to realize that I was third in seniority among the family groupings. I guess I have to stop thinking of myself as a "new Kid."
That brings you up to date--I'll have the pictures later.
xxooxx