The Fifth day of Christmas

I did not get five golden rings today. What I did get was an unpleasant chemo side effect. At 1:30 in the morning I made a quick dash to the bathroom and yielded up everything I'd eaten in the last few weeks. Well, that's what it felt like. When things settled down, I took a compazine and have stayed on that all day. 2:30 AM was another little encore. things have stayed down since then, but I feel like it was another rite of passage in the Cancer Club--sort of like the degrees in masonry. I could have gotten along without this one.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Chee--maybe I'll find out what the biopsy taught them. I know she's going to want to schedule another CAT scan, probably after the next chemo.
Here's just hoping for a quiet night.
xxooxx

The Third Day of Christmas

The beauty of a 12 day feast is that it isn't over at 8 PM on Christmas day. That's just the partridge in the pear tree day. Yesterday, we had to try to keep the turtle doves separated. Today I'm trying my limited French on the three French hens. The real beauty of a 12 day feast is that you can go Christmas shopping when everyone else thinks it's over. I won't see my sister till Tuesday, so I was able to get what I really, really wanted to get for her with no fuss. And Gretchen, if you think I'm giving away clues, guess again. But it will come, wrapped in a Mollie Stone's brown bag, just like everyone else's this year. I also got more baby yarn for my favorite sweater. I couldn't find the foam blocks I need for a new and exciting knitting project--so I ordered them on line. You can do anything on line. I also went to Macy's in Palo Alto and found some skirts that fit. I was afraid I was going to have to start going to church in sweats, but I've been saved from that fashion faux pas. Of course, this flurry of excitement started with a medical outing--time to have my blood sucked again. I'm always surprised that there is any left for them, but they seem to find it.
Now that the to do list for the day is done, I can relax, knit, and watch Cal play in their bowl game. Not the Rose Bowl, but a bowl game all the same. Go Bears!
Feeling somewhat crappy, but I had places to go, things to do. Now I can become a drugged slug for the rest of the evening.
xxooxx

So Christmas came

As it happens, we had a good Christmas. I spent most of the week waiting for this chemo's version of orc attacks. Sunday was fine--I made it to church. I woke up in the night with the start of strange pains, but took a pill and went back to sleep. I was a little loopier than usual for church, but I was there. Can't remember much of note on Monday, but there was no chemo reaction. I felt good enough on Tuesday for the BART trip downtown to see my therapist. Wednesday I did the grocery shopping for Christmas Dinner early in the morning (well, early for me these days) and made it to our Christmas Eve service--this year, for the first time in almost 20 years at 11 PM. I even managed to be one or the readers, though my voice was sitting on the edge of cracking and I think there was a frog pond that wanted to move to my throat.
Christmas morning, I made waffles for Glenn and me (waffles are another Christmas tradition). It stormed all night, really stormed. The wind was trying its best to exalt the valleys and lay low the mountains. Sometime between sun-up and get up there was a wowzer of a hail storm. Both Glenn and I thought it was going to come through the side of the house. I peeked out the front to see hail stones piled up in the front garden. After breakfast--well, maybe brunch--we just hung out till it was time to start cooking. Glenn invited one of his friends who had no plans for the evening. Mark, Elaine, and three grandchildren (that would be no Rachel) got here an hour after I'd planned to serve, but I good time was had by all even so. The roast was delicious, potatoes (new and Yukon gold in butter and parsley) were perfect, and grandma's salad was its usual hit. Monica and Rebecca have both been practicing their knitting and learned to cast off. Now all they need to know is how to purl and read a pattern. It was a happy time--even if somewhat later than planned.
Glenn had to get up at 0 dark hundred this morning. It is his first day at his new location and his training is from seven to three. He will be working from three to eleven (Amgen's version of swing shift), still with Monday and Tuesday off.
I woke up this morning with what may finally be a reaction to the chemo. I did read that this one is longer acting, hence the four week cycle. So, I shall lie low today, read, knit, enjoy our beautiful Christmas tree, and just enjoy the second day of Christmas.
xxooxx

I have the best friends on earth

When I got the call from my doctor and digested the fact that I do, in fact, still have cancer, I pretty much accepted the fact that Christmas wasn't going to happen at our house this year. I mean Jesus would still come into the world as a tiny baby, carols would be sung and played on the radio, the nativity sets were, as you know by now, still up from last year. But tree? Presents? Not going to happen. Not good enough for my friends from church. Al Sweetman picked up Glenn this morning and they went out tree hunting. Roberta and Laura Henry arrived to do lights and ornaments, Jorie and Thomas Abbot came by to help. Between 10ish, when Al and Glenn left, and 12:30 or 1:00, a miracle happened.
















Here is is of the crowd making decisions.

Here's Al, the supervisor.

Here is the finished product. It's just about the best tree ever. Once again, my job was relegated to handing ornaments. Roberta had to leave at noon because she had another commitment. All the ornaments went on between twelve and twelve-thirty. Many hands make light work. What a joy it is to have this beautiful tree. I could have lived without it, but I'm so happy and feel so loved. So thank you. Bethany Tree Angels. You are the best. And on the chemo side effects, I'm still waiting. I was pretty pumped and wired last night from my surprise company. Today I'm just in a glow--but waiting.
xxooxx

A perfect evening

In case you are wondering, I'm doing fine so far. So there I was, playing Spider this afternoon, thinking it was almost time to watch Dr. Phil, when the doorbell rang. I wasn't expecting anyone, but went to answer it. It was my daughter and my granddaughters! Many hugs and smiles and hugs. We visited for a while, then everyone wanted to learn to knit, so out came spare yarn and needles and we were on. Rebecca picked it up the fastest, Monica took a little longer, and Elaine got frustrated and quit. I made Victoria's tomato soup for dinner--it is always good to keep the fixings for that on hand, because it is really good. The girls and I went back to knitting, Elaine cleaned the kitchen. It was a lovely way to spend the evening. I finally threw them out just after 9 when everyone was getting tired.
I am one happy grandma. The knitting samples will be saved for the next lesson.
xxooxx

Chemo version 2.1

I was the first patient at the infusion center, so I got to reclaim "my" chair--maybe not such a good place on a winter morning, because when the sun came streaming through the window, it practically blinded me. Since I'm not getting taxol this time, I didn't get the benedryl and pepsid premeds, just the dexamethasone and aloxi. The doxil only took 90 minutes or so to infuse, so it made for a much shorter session--Glenn and I were home around noon. The doxil is red.
In the afternoon, I has a follow up visits with Dr. Kubin (primary care) and Dr. Allen (surgeon who put in my port). All is well--except, of course--I have cancer. Now I'm just waiting to see how I handle this one. It is sort of like waiting for both shoes to drop. You know something is going to happen, just not sure when or what it will be like.
My friend Margaret came over in the evening, bearing Chinese food for dinner, which was yummy. After dinner, we settled down to knit. Margaret is a novice knitter, but she is doing very good work. I was just there to make sure she understood the directions and to teach her how to do new stuff. I'm working on something new--a baby bunting--cute but probably more work than I really want to do, but I started it so I guess I have to finish it.
Back to waiting.
xxooxx

Silver Polishing

Is harder than I remembered. Maybe it's the years of tarnish that I'm trying to polish off. Somehow, sweeping up inches of dust was easier. So I won't get it all done in one day, or maybe even one month. Surely not with one jar of silver cream. Now I'm resting from putting a good start on one teapot and a creamer. I still have nuts to crack for the fudge.
Naturally in today's earlier post, I forgot to mention the highlight of the weekend. That would have been Bethany's Christmas Concert. I Solisti de Bethany did quite well, both on our instrumental pieces, Snow Lay on the Ground and Ding! Dong! Merrily on High and accompanying the congregation on Go Tell it on the Mountain, Oh Come all ye Faithful, What Child is This (with all the right words), and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. I played Pietro Yon's Gesu Bambino--not as well as I did when i was practicing regularly with a teacher, but well enough for now. The concert was during a really grand rain storm. The raindrops didn't drown out the program, but at times it came close. You can have your White Christmas--for me, Christmas is a driving rainstorm. I still remember walking home from Kindergarten, the last day of school before Christmas vacation. I was five years old, and I remember getting drenched. That's Christmas.
xxooxx

The Season is on

It isn't the first card received or the first carol sung--no, it isn't Christmas Season until I make the first batch of fudge. It is even now sitting in a large bowl, cooling and waiting for the addition of vanilla and Brazil nuts. It's going to be a weird Christmas. I don't think we'll have a tree for the first time in my conscious memory--it's just more than I want to deal with right now. The nativity sets are up, but they have been up since last Christmas.
I had a biopsy of one of my lymph nodes yesterday--guided by a CAT scan. It wasn't bad if you don't mind playing superman for an hour and a half. It started by hooking me up to an IV--everything begins that way--and making sure that all was in order. Then I moved from gurney to CAT scan bed, on my tummy, feet hanging over the edge. I got pillows under my face, chest, and shins,blankets over everything but the middle of my back, and straps to keep me from moving or falling off the 18" table. They took a bunch of scans to know where to start, then I got drugs to relax me and local anesthetics in my back so that they could start the needle on its trip down to the lymph node that was sitting by my aorta. More scans, more and deeper locals, more drugs, and then the process was repeated. Finally, they started taking samples of tissue--about 10 I think. These will be sent off to a special lab to find the best chemo drugs to use on them.
I finally got to bend things like elbows and shoulders and scrunch back on the gurney for the trip back to same-day surgery, where they observed me for two hours. The site was a little sore, and I was a little loopier than usual, other than that, all was well. I got apple juice and graham crackers, then ginger ale, then a box lunch. By then, they were ready to throw me out. The wonderful Roberta Henry picked me up and got me settled at home, where I rested as instructed. I have no ill effects today. The band aid on my back is a little higher than I thought anything bad inside was, but maybe they angled down.
That's the great excitement to date. I'm thinking about polishing silver just for the satisfaction of it this afternoon, then I'll go to a movie night at church.
xxooxx

A good cry

I tuned in on the middle of the 1949 Little Women on AMC tonight, just as Beth was getting the piano from Mr. Laurence. It was like settling down with an old freind--though I didn't meet this movie in color. I was pretty drenched by the time it was over--I could have stayed with the channel and watched The Man Who Came to Dinner and gotten over weepy really fast. but it was refreshing to have a really good cry over something that had NOTHING to do with cancer. It's just a great tug at your heartstrings sort of movie--more so because I've seen it so many times and am so familar with the story that I knew almost every line of dialogue. That was fine--I could cry in anticipation because I knew what was coming up.
I might have been overly sentimental because I had a good talk with my daughter before I went channel surfing. I was already feeling all warm and happy.
Anyway, that's my little post script for the evening--of course when I went to write it, I realized that I hadn't published the previous post that I did this afternoon. So when you're reading them, realize that there were hours between them.I'm going to go put my music for tomorrow's rehearsal with my violin, then toddle off to bed before I get the chance to forget anything else.
Good grief! I either spelled and/or typed everything right in this post or my spellcheck is dead!
xxooxx

Off and running

I had the port put in yesterday. The area is a little sore, but it was without incident. Glenn got me there by 9:15 and we got home shortly after 1 PM. I went to my Eastern Star meeting last night. I was a little loopy, but I made it through. I had a local for the procedure. If I'd had a general, I'd have been sleeping for the rest of the day and evening. I did arrange a ride to chapter.
Today was my oncologist appointment. I'm having a biopsy on Tuesday--be at the hospital by 7 AM and plan on spending most of the day there. Chemo begins on Thursday, with something called Liposomal doxorubicin, or Doxil, which I said sounded like the King's mistress. I have two cycles of 28 days scheduled. After that, I'll be having another CAT scan to see how the tumor reacted to the first two rounds. I'm not overly thrilled about the whole process, but I'm glad to be moving on it. The boxing gloves are our and ready to be put on. Since it is a new (for me) drug, I guess I'll be in for a whole new round of sensations. Yippee. And they said the appointments should take about two hours--the last time it was more like five.
So that's it for now. I have a fullish weekend, with an orchestra practice in the morning and our church Christmas concert on Sunday evening. I won't be resting the violin on the port site, but bowing will possibly be a little uncomfortable--that's why they make drugs. I need to finish the Christmas cards before Tuesday and get them into the mail. Glenn and I might even get a tree this weekend! I got a wreath on Wednesday--and of course the nativity sets have been up all year, knowing that Christmas would come again.
xxooxx

Things are in the works

I feel better, at least intellectually. I don't have the whole plan laid out just yet--that should come on Friday, but things are moving. I had my pre-op appointment at the hospital this morning and I'll be getting my portacath put back in tomorrow. I'm supposed to have some sort of guided biopsy too, but it seems they are still working that out. Friday I'll see my oncologist and presumably get the beginning of my chemo schedule. While I'm not really looking forward to that, it will be something concrete and the new battle will have begun. Those who know and love me know that patience is no part of my make-up. I can be slothful and inactive along with the best of them, as long as I know what is going on and the big plan is working. So, we're in process. Now I'll go back to Christmas cards.
xxooxx

Still breathing

What shall I do tomorrow? I have no appointments! And it is the only day of the week--well, actually, I do have an orchestra practice at church, but it isn't till the evening. I was supposed to be getting my port tomorrow--needed to be at the hospital at 5:45 AM. And Glenn loves me enough to have gotten me there even though he works till midnight tonight. The surgeon's office called me to say that my slot had been given to another doctor in the practice. They could do it Friday morning. Kind of pushing it, since I have an appointment with Dr. Chee (the medical oncologist) at 2:45 in the afternoon and she called me Thursday afternoon to say that they were going to biopsy the tumor while I was under and send it off to someplace where they could find the best chemo drugs to use on it. But OK. I left a message for Dr. Chee with the change of schedule. Then they called back and said how about Thursday at 11:30 AM with a different surgeon. No problem. He's the one who did my first hernia repair. He's nice and a good doctor. I have a horror of being called at 6 something tomorrow morning with them asking where I am. No, I think we're set for Thursday. I'm not sure that's going to give the tumor place time to work their magic, but I left another message for Dr. Chee with the new date and time.
I'm ready to roll on this. If I must have chemo again, and it seems I must, get it started to get it over with.
So let me bring you up to date on last week's excitement. I met with the surgeon who was going to put in the port--she did the last one. I let her read my CAT report. She was more optimistic, since it hasn't moved to any organ or my bones. After I saw her, I went upstairs to my plastic surgeon' s office to say hi t the staff. My plastic surgeon read the report too and he was equally optimistic. I went to knitting circle that evening and after I got home, the Youth Club from church stopped by to sing carols and leave a plate of Christmas cookies. I felt special.
Thursday, I went walking with my friend Kathy. It's starting to get nippy out, but the walking is good, and Kathy is a dear friend to talk with. I got an actual nap in the afternoon and had a church meeting in the evening. Friday, I saw the last doctor of the week, Dr. Shen, the gynecological oncologist who did my original surgery. He thinks chemo first is also the way to go, but I'm sure he will be happy to take out what's left of the tumor after drugs and radiation shrink it. Saturday morning, I went to a masonic installation at one of Lee's lodges. The incoming Master is a young man of whom Lee was particularly fond, so I went to support him. I came home to watch Cal win their last regular season game, then Glenn and I went to his (and Lee's other) lodge installation. Same ritual but very different. Today was church, part of the 49ers game (they won too!) and an Eastern Star function. I haven't been in heels and stockings for so long in a while--if you don't count Grand Chapter, and I was partly frozen for that, so maybe it doesn't count.
Anyway, next week comes with new adventures. I expect to get my chemo schedule on Friday. Not exactly cause for rejoicing, but at least then I can plan out a few weeks in advance.
Off to my Nevada Barr book. This one is in Yosemite. I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to finish, because there are only two left in the series.
xxooxx

And the sucking continues

I met with my oncologist today. I told her I'm not a happy girl. She said she isn't either. She will be talking to my other oncologists and come up with a plan of attack by the end of next week. This time, it will probably be chemo and radiation to shrink the new tumor first then surgery if it is still there. To that end, I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss putting the portacath back in. Too bad. We were so optimistic when we took it out. Glenn says we did it before, we can do it again. OK, then, that's what we will do. At least I don't have the prospect of recovering from surgery over Christmas, but with luck, I'll feel like real crap then. Not that I'm in any mood to put off treatment. I would start yesterday if I could and if it would make me better.
xxooxx

Some things are suckier than others

Not the trip I'm on right now.  I'm posting from my sister's house in Santa Barbara.  It's a perfect place for me right now.

So, what led up to the title?  Monday I had my CT scan to be able of officially say "I'm in remission."  I had to get up at six in the morning to have my breakfast because I couldn't eat for three hours before the appointment.  First I had two chest x-rays.   No problem.  Next, I was shown to the ladies dressing room to divest myself of clothes and put on lovely hospital gowns--two, one in front and one in the back.  The tech brought me two warm blankets.  Another tech brought me the nectar of the gods--not.  One cup every 15 minutes or so.  I settled down with my book and my questionable beverage.  When I'd just about drunk it all, they took me into the CT room.  The first two scans were a piece of cake.  For the last one, they needed "contrast,"  iodine or whatever to show up in the scan.  This required starting an IV.  The tech couldn't find a vein, so they called in a nurse from the ER, who managed to get it started.  Keep your arm as straight as possible and back into the CT machine.  They said "Here comes the contrast" and there was nothing--then all of a sudden fire running through my veins.  And we were done.  I was given instructions to come back on Wednesday for a blood test and don't take Metformin till after you get the results and your creatinin is at normal levels.  Well, Wednesday I would be in Santa Barbara--so it will have to wait till Saturday morning.

When I got home, I called my primary care's office because I'd been in unrelenting pain in my lower back for weeks.  Pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong.  I got an appointment for that afternoon.  We talked about things in general and the pain in specific.   My left hip joint is fine.  It wasn't muscular.  It wasn't anything that Tylenol would make better.  He needed the results of the CT, which hadn't been read yet.    So, take pain meds as necessary.

Tuesday, I drove to Santa Barbara.  There were a few sprinkles until I had lunch in Paso Robles.  After that, the skys opened up.  The rain came down in buckets and overhead was black.  I hit some traffic in San Luis Obispo and Santa Maria.  When I got close to Goleta and signs were starting to look familiar, the freeway became a parking lot.  Too bad I didn't know back roads.

I got to sister's before six, and happy to get here.

Wednesday, Gretchen, that would be my sister, took me for a drive.  We went as far south as Carpenteria.  We found a yarn shop--well, craft shop, where I got some back up yarn in case I finished the project I'd brought with me.  While Gretchen was getting gas (for 1.89/gal), I checked my voice mails.  There was one, from my doctor that has just come in.  "I got the results of your CT scan.  I'd like to talk to you about it" and left his cell phone number.  I thought "Oh, shit."  They only want to talk to you if it's bad news.  We drove home through the hills of Carpenteria and Montecito, checking out the recent fire damage.  They wouldn't let us into the actual fire area because they were worried about mudslides--and looters.  We took the scenic route, stopped off and picked up the turkey and came home.  By now, I couldn't stand it any longer and called my doctor.  Seems the pain is most likely caused by a new tumor.  I was not happy.  I told him I'd pick up a prescription for stronger pain meds on Monday when I'm back in town.  I moved the appointment with my medical oncologist form the 19th to Tuesday the 2nd.  I see my surgeon, who actually ordered the CT scan, on Thursday, and I guess we'll know more after that.  Gretchen and I both cried and she gave me lots of hugs.  I have permission to cry and swear all I want, not that it does a great deal of good.  When my niece and her friend got down from the Bay Area, she agreed that it sucks big weenies.

We woke up to beautiful blue sky this morning, after two days of monsoon.  Gretchen and Victoria went off to run in the annual Santa Barbara Turkey Trot while Jim and Jenn went for a 30 mile bike ride.  I went back to bed to read.  After a while, I got up and showered and the world looked brighter yet.  While Gretchen was getting the turkey ready for the oven, I finally called Glenn to let him know the news, since I probably won't see him till Saturday when he gets off work.  Glenn was pretty philosophical.  We got through it before, we'll get through it again.  Once again, I'll do what I'm told.  I may not like it, but we'll get through it.

I won't know anything more till next week when I make the round of doctors.  Till then, there's not much I can do but ask for your prayers again.

xxooxx

A marathon, but a good day

The week was, basically, boring. I did those things I ought to have done and left undone those things I ought not to have done, except maybe cleaning--didn't do that. Slept lots at night and took lots of long naps in preparation for Saturday.
Up bright and early, for me now, around seven. Had my breakfast then set off for church to work. It was our annual Thanksgiving dinner and I'm chief cook. Waiting for me were eight bags of cranberries, four large turkeys, and stuffing makings. Being the queen of spreadsheets, I'd logged in the weight of each bird and calculated when each one needed to go into the oven to come out at 4. I had lots of help. We made cranberry sauce first, to fill the church with enticing smells. That was followed by stuffing making, bird filling, and bird prep. My mother taught me how to cook turkey, and she made the best turkey in the world. Cook it hot and fast, in lots of foil. Once the birds were in the ovens, we went home to let the ovens work their magic.
I went home and watched Big Game (Cal-Stanford for those of you from other parts of the country). It was a thoroughly satisfying experience. My Bears were victorious in a big way. After that, it was back to church, get the birds out, start syphoning off juice for gravy, unstuff the birds, make the gravy, while a wonderful team of helpers got everything else ready to go. We had a full house and great food.
Dinner was followed by the church talent show. Our Ceili band started off to wake everyone up, then ended the program with Ashokan Farewell to send everyone on their way. In between was an amazing array of talent. While everyone else was cleaning up and putting the church back together for today's service, I snuck home and went to bed. I was wiped. I overslept this morning and just barely made it to church. I had a meeting after church, did a little marketing, came home and napped, then back to church at five to audition an applicant for music director. Now I'm home again, in my jammies and robe, thinking I should have something for dinner. Tomorrow is my CT scan and chest x-ray. I'll need to finish breakfast by 7 in the morning since I can't eat for three hours before the scan. I can do that. With the help of several alarm clocks, I can do that.
So--I'm still pretty tired, but this is a good kind of tired.
xxooxx

It's been a while

So what have I been doing with my time? Getting my exercise, whether I want to or not. Thursday, my friend Kathy (who joined me in Yosemite in June) and I started walking. After a week or so of fog and dismal weather (not that I have anything against fog and dismal weather), it was a glorious day. The sky was a glorious shade of blue. It was warm but not too hot. We've had enough rain that the grass by the trail thinks it is time to grow again and it was an incredible shade of spring green. And I got to walk with my dear friend and didn't even feel like I was exercising--well, maybe, going up a slight incline felt like Mt. Everest, but I made it. Maybe I'll find little flags to plant at the top of rises for our next walk and claim the land for God and country. Or maybe not.
The glory did not end with the day. I had to go out that night. The moon was full and shining on the bay, as I was driving down Trousdale, it fairly took my breath away. How many times to you get more than one "Thank you, God" moments in a single day.
Friday night, the ceili band practiced. That always raises my spirits. I came on fiddling late in life, but it fills a part of my soul like nothing else. It was exhausting, but uplifting for me. Then Glenn got home and now all's right with the world. I'm glad he had a good time, but it's good to have him home.
Tragedy nearly struck tonight (I know, that's probably like flipping to the end of a mystery so you know who done it before you find out what it is). I have rings that I always wear. My wedding rings, which I know I should do something else with if I'm looking to marry Warren Buffet, but I just can't bring myself to leave them off yet, a diamond and ruby ring that my mother and I got in St. Thomas, and my Past Matron's ring. Now this is the second PM ring I've had. The first one slipped off my finger shortly after I got it--I'd lost lots of weight between picking out the style and actually getting the ring--I should have left it with the jeweler for resizing. A sad lesson learned. Lee had some stray diamonds that we used in the remaking of the ring, so it is precious in many ways. Anyway, tonight at a church meeting, I looked at my right hand and there was NO PM ring--just an indentation on my finger. Keeping my concentration at the meeting was almost impossible, but I sent up a prayer to St. Anthony (the patron saint of lost things) and played Scarlett O'Hara--I'd think about that tomorrow.
When I got home, I looked some places it might be, no ring. By now, I'm really into Scarlett. I'll just get into my jammies and try not to worry about it--but I worried. As I was taking off my pants, out popped the ring and hit the floor. It must have gotten wedged in the waist band. How it managed to stay there and not fall out in any of the places I was this evening is a miracle. It is now sleeping with my other jewelry. After I had to have rings cut off because they got too little for my fingers, I make it a point of take them off every night. And I always put them the same place so I won't have to panic in the morning. So, another "Thank you, God" moment in less than a week. Life is good and I can sleep tonight.
That's it.
xxooxx

Doing better--but abandoned

I'm trying to elicit sympathy because Glenn abandoned me to go to San Diego for the week. It isn't as though I didn't abandon him on a regular basis. But this is different. I'M the abandoned one! I'm remembering what it is I didn't like about living alone. Chores don't get magically taken care of. There's no one to leave the light on for when I get home in the evening. I have the run of the house, but it isn't that much fun.
I'm feeling somewhat less pathetic. Today was a downtown day, and I managed to get there and back without succumbing to the tempting wiles of Mrs. Fields. The worst tragedy of the day was a broken fingernail--but broken way down on the index finger of my bowing hand--that's the one that gets to have fingernails. So here's this stubby little thing on an otherwise grown-up hand. The nails on my left, or fingering, hand, that need to be short to play the violin, are longer than this little amputee. Like my hair, it will grow. And my hair is growing. The crown is standing up like a wheat field, bending one way or the other depending on which hat I wear. The sides are growing out and I can see my wave is still there. The back has a little more curl. It still isn't long enough to do anything with, but when I want to play big girl I can run a comb through it.
The church Thanksgiving Dinner and Talent show is coming up. The Ceili band (Anne and the Bethany Brawlers) is working up a few numbers. We practiced a little tonight. The tunes are still in my fingers but we need to work on speed. We aren't playing for dancers, so we don't need to play as fast as I do over Labor Day weekend, but still, it's Irish music and needs some zip.
I'm up to the eighth Anna Pigeon mystery. Once I get into those, I really don't want to do much else--so I'm now off to read for the evening.
xxooxx

That sound you hear...

Just may be the cracking of the dam that I've so carefully built over the last sixty odd years. In one of those fits of "I really have to DO something about this mess," I started picking up the piles of stuff that have grown around my chair. Part of it was the need to clean (I know, it sounds foreign to me too), part of it is curiosity as to what's actually there, and part of it is to find my crochet hook that just grew legs and walked away. Anyway, there are still things there that are where Lee left them. I know. He died 15 months ago tomorrow. I never claimed to be either prompt or tidy. anyway, one of the things I came across was the fanny pack Lee used when we traveled. It still contained two batteries for his digital camera, with prices in euros, and a postcard of Paris. That was it. I started weeping for my late husband--or my widowed state--or my health--or my unemployed state. But it was Lee and that next to last trip with him that started it off.
I never really let myself mourn Lee's passing. At first, I was holding myself together for Glenn and Elaine, and doing the things that needed doing. Then, too, he'd been sick for so long and there were so many close calls, that I got a lot of the weeping out beforehand. There was Thanksgiving and Christmas to get through--not to mention a torn meniscus in my left knee. Then as I was reestablishing normal, along came cancer, the infection, chemo, and radiation. Now that's over, I'm taking iron to combat the anemia, energy is starting to seep back. Through the magic of fate and procrastination, I'm now back in August 2007, still having to decide what to do with Lee's things--and cry over them.
The weather is matching my mood, but that is an excessively good thing because we are so dry. Let it rain.
And there are good things today. It is Saturday and it is November and I can watch college football all day and all evening. I watch it even if I've never heard of the schools before. Right now, it is half time of the Stanford-Oregon game. Yes, I've heard of both schools. I'm torn as to who to root against. Cal/USC will be on at five, and I'm ready for that. Cal all the way, of course--and yes, I believe in miracles.
So that's it for now--half time is over and I'm feeling somewhat better. I know it is perfectly OK for me to be sad. If it doesn't come out in tears it will come out in more destructive ways. So I'm better and not kicking myself over the waterworks.
Go Bears!
xxooxx

Odds and ends

Good thing--my disability has been extended. Now I can rest when I need to and not feel guilty about not pounding the pavement for a new job.
Good thing--I had a baseline echocardiagram on Tuesday. It proved that however black it may be, I do in fact have a heart, and it is in excellent working condition.
Bad thing--after the echo, I had blood work done for yesterday's doctor appt. Not only am I still anemic, but my red blood count is lower than it was in September when I finished radiation. That's not fair. so I was sent off for more blood work after the appointment. Results to follow, I'm assuming.
Good thing--my weight is officially down. Officially only three pounds since September, but that's three pounds I didn't put on. Pushing myself out of the house to Curves must be working somewhat. And not buying chips and cookies may be helping too.
Good thing--I'm still above the grass, as Lee used to say, and have survived all the assaults that my body has received this year. I guess that's the best thing. The anemia will get straightened out. All the feeling will come back to my fingers and toes--or not. The perfect job will find me or I will find it. I can travel again. I have the best friends anyone could ask for.
So there you have it for today.
xxooxx

What a blessed day!

It's been a whole 24 hours without a political ad or automated call. Saints be praised! The election that wouldn't go away is finally over and we can start to live like normal people again. Where does all that political money funnel? So far, none of it has trickled down to me.
I'm doing my little tasks--getting to Curves three times a week is a real step. My hips are still bothering me--left one particularly, so that will be a point of discussion with my doctor tomorrow, as will be the state of my anemia. I still tire easily--or maybe I was just tired of campaigning. I never thought of that.
I left home around 8:30 yesterday morning, wearing comfortable shoes and toting a book, prepared for a wait. There was none. I was in and out in less than 20 minutes, and I chatted with the poll workers to help pass their time. I trotted out with my "I voted" sticker affixed to my sweater. I love those stickers. Maybe that's why I don't vote absentee. I have, when I've needed--for the June 1980 primary I voted absentee from Mary's Help Hospital--but I really love walking into my polling place and casting my vote on election day. I hope that thrill never goes away. I like voting. I just don't like being buffeted with political ads. The only annoying automated call I got today was from a carpet cleaning company--I think--I might have hung up before the amorphous voice finished sayingwhat it was.
Back to my Nevada Barr books. I'm just about finished with the sixth Anna Pigeon novel and ready to move on to number seven. Hope you weren't expecting excitement out of my life.
xxooxx

Looking for normal

My sister is of the opinion that when I'm not blogging, I'm having a blast. Well, that is sometimes true, but not this time. I've finally decided to feel sorry for myself--now that Lee is gone, now that all the cancer treatment is over, now I'm in a serious funk. I want to dig a hole, crawl in, and pull the covers over me. My therapist said I could do that, but when I came up for air, the same life would be there, needing attention. So I'm trying not to set the world's record for a pity party, since it will get me exactly nowhere.
I dragged myself to Curves Monday, Wednesday, and today, and plan to keep that schedule. Tuesday I went for a walk downtown. Thursday, I went into the office to clean out my desk. That was hard. Quick, but hard. I never really had much personal stuff there. Not like the phone company when I think it took three strong men and a boy to tote all my stuff to the car. I guess that's the difference between 32 and 6 years. I was going to go for a walk on Thursday, but it rained, so I was saved. I'm not complaining about the rain--we really need it. I just don't think I could handle another season of the media whining about a drought. I don't think we had droughts when I was a little girl and life was grand. It is refreshing to hear the earth make happy gulping sounds as it sucks up the treasures pouring down from heaven. The last really big storm we had was just after I went into the hospital for the first time this year.
So there you are. I'm depressed, but trying to jump start myself out of it. I'm putting some structure back in my life and starting to look for work. I don't really know what I'm doing there, because I've only had two jobs in my life, but I guess I'll figure that out.
My health is good, just in case you were wondering. I'm starting to get regular exercise, I'm still getting plenty of sleep. I'm sick to death of the election, but then I suppose we all are--hasn't this campaign gone on since shortly after Noah got off the ark? I can still laugh at things, so I guess life isn't all bad. It is pomegranate season, even if they are 4.99 a piece at my market--but they are SO good...
Anybody know of a part time job for a cancer survivor, let me know. In the meantime, I'm still breathing and on the right side of the grass. Life is almost perfect.
xxooxx

Home for a while

I admit, I've been sluggish. We got home Thursday afternoon and here it is Saturday morning. Live with it.

So--what have I been doing? Tuesday morning October 14, Dory picked me up around 10 and we were off to beautiful downtown Fresno. We stopped at Pea Soup Anderson's in Santa Nella for a lunch of--what else--pea soup and a chocolate milkshake. We got into Fresno right about check-in time, which meant we didn't have to wait for our room but did have to wait too long for a bellman. For all the years we've been going to Fresno and all the years that we've been at the same headquarters hotel, they just don't seem to be prepared for us. The poor bellmen were horribly overworked. Everyone had too much stuff (us included) and all wanted to be taken care of right now. We got taken care of eventually and even had time to get our credentials for the convention before they closed for the day. True to my word, I took all five CP's. I wore the grey one so I wouldn't startle too many people that first day.

Wednesday was practices, a luncheon, and a dinner. The convention center had a little surprise for us this year--the arena where we met had become a permanent hockey arena--a little fact that the Worthy Grand Matron had learned the previous Saturday. She worked some miracles of her own, because when we got there, the dashers and glass had been removed and the ice was covered with mats. At least we could walk on the floor without skates and it took the chill a while to penetrate the mats. I don't usually take pictures at Grand Chapter, but thinking of my friendly readers, this time I did.

This is what I looked at all week. We've got some incredible talent in the Order. I am a great direction follower, but when it comes to art I do not have one original thought in my head. I stand in utter amazement of those who do.

Not an especially good picture, but this was the East, taken from my seat. Other better photographers or more energetic who were willing to actually move to take their pictures most likely got better shots, but at least you get the gist of it.

It was a wonderful Grand Chapter. The WGM presided beautifully and swiftly. We got out of each session at reasonable times and all business was accomplished with a minimum of dead time. There was about 1/6 of the attendance of my first Grand Chapter in 1982, which was too bad. I was there and I had a good time and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It did get chilly sitting on the frozen tundra--I was glad I had a sweater, even though the outside temperature in Fresno was in the 80's. Sitting on the mat covered ice was insidious. You really didn't notice the cold at first, but eventually it got bone chilling. Our dark blue dresses looked lovely on the floor, but they weren't lined and got increasingly itchy, particularly around the neck, sleeves, and down the zipper. After a while, I felt like a bear looking for a tree with really rough bark to scratch on.

My stamina wasn't at its peak. Going up and down the stairs to the arena floor, and sometimes just crossing the street to the hotel, was exhausting. I managed to get eight hours sleep each night (I may have been the only one who did), and that helped a lot. A friend took my stitches out on Friday, as requested by my doctor. That helped too. I dutifully medicated the area twice a day. It is getting much better. True to my promise, I wore each CP at least once. At the end of the Friday morning session, I reached up and realized that the CP had worked its way back an inch or so from my hairline--since my hair has started to grow out, the tape that secured the CP's to my head doesn't hold as well. I went up to the room before lunch and decided--the heck with it and went with my hair au natural. There were two other ladies at the convention with my same style, and I thought if they could do it, so could I. I haven't worn a wig since. My hair is growing out quite fast, so I may stay with this look.

Saturday evening came, and a new corps of officers were installed. A new Grand Chapter year has begun. Sunday morning we blissfully slept in, putting off our departure since we only had about 60 miles to go. Many people left Saturday night after installation--must like driving at night more than I do--so check out was lots less hectic than check in.

By now, it is Sunday, noonish, and we are on our way to Yosemite. I felt layers of stress peel away like onionskin with each passing mile. Since we weren't going to Reno after Yosemite (as is traditional whenever Tioga Pass is open), we stopped at the Indian casino in Coursegold for an hour or so. It was enough . We neither made nor lost fortunes, but we had fun.

We got to the Ahwahnee right around check in time. It is always good to be greeted by old friends. Our room was to the right of the upper balcony--you can't see it because it is shaded by the roof, but trust me, it was there. Dory was sorry that we didn't have the balcony for our little ringtailed cat to visit us in the night again. We made do.

One morning, while Dory was napping, I took a walk down to the river. There is very little water at this time of year, but it is peaceful and serene. It is my favorite time to visit. And this would be

One of the reasons why. The trees are so colorful and the leaves on the ground make a wonderful pattern.

Same morning walk--here is the Ahwahnee, hiding behind an oak tree.

And here it is, out of hiding, looking at the solarium, where Dory and I played cards. We played on the back patio one afternoon until we were beaten by a combination of sun and breeze that wanted to play with our cards too.

And here would be the obligatory picture of Half Dome.

We had a wonderful time. We got some exercise, even though I wasn't up to hiking. Next year. We had good food and lots of rest. The weather was amazingly beautiful. We had to keep reminding ourselves that it was October.

We left early, for us, Thursday morning (that would be around 10) so that we could get home before Glenn went to work at 4 and because we had obligations that evening. It was our Chapter's farewell meeting and we both needed to be there. I can check my e-mails from my cell phone, so I'm not inundated with those, but there were several phone messages to return--the worst of which was to my friend Margaret in Canada, to get the news that her dear Ken and died October 16 of the injuries he sustained in the car accident in August. I feel so blessed that I was able to spend that week with them in July. Ken was an amazing man, full of great stories, and a dear friend. I was sorry that I couldn't hop on a plane and go up for the funeral today, but that just wasn't possible. My heart is with them.

Yesterday, I checked out with my Radiation Oncologist. He doesn't need to see me again, but assured me that they are there if I need them. I won't be officially in remission until after we get the results of my CAT scan then end of next month, but I'm in remission. Now, I need to find my way in the world, to create some structure for my days. I thought work was going to do that, but I guess not. Monday I will start marshaling my resources and looking for a new part time job. I'm better and I'm ready for what's next.

xxooxx

Still a stitched person

I went to see my surgeon, bright and early this morning, to get my stitches out. She took one look at the large red patch on my upper right chest, and apologised profusely. She also gave me the name of the substance she had put on my skin, Benzoin, with the admonition to never let it tough my body again--I can do that. She gave me a prescription for a cream to use twice a day, and said that the stitches should be left in until Friday to avoid another open wound. I don't think there will be a problem getting First Aid and Personal Services to take them out at Grand Chapter. If there is, I'll leave them in until Monday and have the medical clinic at Yosemite take them out. It may have been a small straw, but I think it may have been the one that broke this camel's back. I'm feeling very sorry for myself--and in a good deal of pain. It will pass and it will get better. The real princess skin strikes again.
So, now it really is time to pack for Grand Chapter and Yosemite. The beauty of being a Deputy is that I don't have to worry about what to wear, at least through the sessions. That should cut down on the clothes I take. Yosemite is a different matter. It is looking like it will be pleasant during the days and quite cold when the sun goes down--so hiking boots, gloves, warm hats, warm coat--heavy stuff. I don't feel like packing, but I guess I'd better get to it.
It looks like the bargain hunters are out on Wall Street today--good thing. If I were the type to panic sell, I could have taken a real beating. Fortunately, I'm not. I'm more the "just ride it out" type.
That's my news for today. Still healing, uncomfortable, but getting better. My hair still isn't long enough for me to go CPless, though it is getting harder and harder to stick the CP's on. It is very soft and I think I'm seeing a little curl. I'll be gone for 10 days, so don't miss me too much.
xxooxx

Good News Bad News

OK, so I've been off the air for no good reason this week. Just haven't known quite what to write.
The Good News--Tuesday, I had my portacath removed. It wasn't really fun and I'm glad I had Glenn to drive me home. It has been really painful, red, and itchy. This morning, it was draining. It was Easter Sunday all over again in my mind. I called the surgeon's office as soon as I thought they would be open and got an appointment for this morning. The incision looks fine--it seems to be a reaction to the dressing, so I guess there is one more adhesive that my skin doesn't like. It is now open to the air and presumably will dry up. I go back Monday to get the stitches out. So that's all good.
I also saw my original cancer surgeon for a follow-up Tuesday morning. I thought I would be checking out with him since that incision has, finally, completely healed. No to, blood work and a CAT scan and x-rays the end of November. I'll see him again the beginning of December. I suppose that is all good too. He tells me I will live long to annoy my children.
Now for the Bad News. My wonderful job is not waiting for me. I was planning to go back to work on the 27th--guess that's when I'll start looking for a new job. It's going to be hard because that was Work Nirvana. I was afraid they were going to learn that they really could get along without me in the 8 months that i would have been gone. God has something for me, so I'm not as worried as I could be. I've been playing Scarlett O'Hara and thinking about that tomorrow, since I really don't need added stress while I'm still healing
As with everything else, I'll be fine.
xxooxx

The Hedonist returns

First, I took no pictures. Took my camera, never took it out of the suitcase. I was too busy being pampered. As was my plan, I drove around Great Highway and avoided the 19th Avenue and park traffic, so it was a pretty easy trip up. I think I left around 2. Got to Sonoma before my room was ready, so off I went to the Big 3 for late lunch early dinner. I didn't have a treatment till 5, so no worries.
I started out with my first Watsu, and no, I'm not going to describe the treatments. If you want all that, check out the July posting complete with pictures. For even more detail, I refer you to the Fairmont's website, specifically the Sonoma Mission Inn, Spa, online brochure. Watsu was a great way to start the week of pampering. Even with my no hassle trip up, driving for an hour and a half can make you tense. Gone, all gone. Washed away in the Watsu pool. I had an hour to rest and read then had a Chadonnay Olive oil Sugar Scrub. I left feeling smooth and smelling delicious.
Monday morning I started with one of the least glamorous treatments, the Hungarian Moor Mud Kur. It is really good for your skin but really dirty. After lunch, I had a Grapeseed Body Polish, followed by a Rejuvenating Kur. This includes a hair and scalp treatment--I almost have enough hair to make it worthwhile.
Tuesday was a Body Coffee Scrub, the most abrasive scrub they offer and one of the best smelling, followed by a Body Coffee Wrap to complete the package. I had a couple of hours for this wonderful stuff to seep into my pores and have lunch then I had my second Watsu. It was a beautiful warm afternoon, and the play of light and shadow made this one special. That is the thing about Watsu--you could have a hundred and they are all different and special. After the Watsu, since I was already wet, I did the Bathing Ritual, finally, rested and read, then had a Back Facial--a really special way of taking care of a part of your body that you have trouble reaching on your own.
Wednesday, the days are passing quickly. I started with a Thermal Mineral Scrub complete with Vichy Shower that they weren't supposed to use but did because it's really better that way. A break to read and lounge on the Logia and a Honey Steam Wrap. I felt edible. Later in the afternoon, a Sonoma Stone Massage and a Signature Facial.
Thursday started with a Spirulina Body Wrap--the least glamorous body treatment and the best. Lunch was followed by Reflexology with Reike with Diane, who did the same for me in July. She noticed real changes in my body and energy flow--like I had energy which was missing in July. A little reading time and I ended the day with a Tandem Massage. I think it is illegal in 10 states. It is unbelievably decadent. If it weren't something you would happily do again it should be followed by a quick trip to the confessional. Nothing should feel that good.
How did it get to be Friday? Up very bright and early because I had an 8 AM Fitness Training Session with Karen, as close as I come to a personal trainer. We took some walks around the property for cardio and some weight training and stretching. It was more about what I can do now and how I can work back to something more strenuous. Since my blood count is still low, I still tire easily. 10 o'clock brought my last Watsu. This one was the most athletic of the Watsus, with great stretching. Felt terrific after it. Some time on the Bathing Ritual, lunch, and lounging were followed by a Revitalizing Kur, my last good scrub. My skin is SO smooth now. Last thing of the day was a Sonoma Lavender Facial. I stayed in the lounge for about an hour and a half to finish my book (the third I finished this week--Sue Grafton's latest alphabet mystery, T is for Trespass, and the first two of Nevada Barr's Anna Pigeon books), then changed and went to dinner, hoping to be out before the rain started. I wasn't. And I lost my key between dinner and my room. There was a bellman there who let me in and the front desk made me new keys and sent them over with another bellman. I felt better, even though I didn't really need them because I wasn't going to leave my room and come back.
Saturday morning I got up early to get my stuff together and ready to go. I had a bellman load it in the car before breakfast. Breakfast took forever. They were very busy. Even though I got there in plenty of time, I didn't get my cottage cheese and lemon pancakes (sounds gross but tastes wonderful) until about 9:10 with a 9:30 manicure staring me in the face. I wolfed down about half, I'm sure burning everything in my innards it touched, then ran (figure of speech--I don't actually RUN anyplace) to the Spa just barely in time. Fingers done, I settled down with my 4th book, another Anna Pigeon, to let my nails dry and wait for my Sonoma Stone Pedicure, my last little bit of decadence. Fingers and toes are now painted with "It's a Doosy, L'il Suzie," a good autumnal color. I sat by the pool and read for about an hour before I put my shoes and socks--well, technically socks and shoes--back on, checked out, and headed for home. I listened to the Cal game on the way home--it came in pretty scratchy but it came in--GO BEARS! I got home in time to attend the Bethany First Saturday dinner, which I'd sort of forgotten about until I read the Bethany Banner as I was going through a week's worth of mail.
I am now prepared for my body to go into shock as it faces a future with no massages, no scrubs, no wraps. no glorious smelling lotions being rubbed into it. The only good thing about leaving Sonoma is knowing that I can go back.
xxooxx

Counting down to Sonoma

If i had stuck with the original plan, I would even now be settling into my Casita in Scottsdale--and I'd have had to deal with airports, airplanes, rental cars, limitations on luggage, the usual stuff. Instead, I'm counting down till Sunday afternoon, after church, after a congregational meeting and a committee meeting, when I can drive the hour and a half to the Valley of the Moon. This time, I'll be smart and go by way of the beach. That should cut half an hour at least from my last trip.
So, what have I been doing lately? Wednesday, I saw my podiatrist--a doctor who had NOTHING to do with cancer--yippee. I get hard little calluses in the pores of my feet and after a while, it feels like I'm walking around on pebbles--in this case the Rock of Gibraltar on one foot and Ayers Rock on the other. Even with my numb feet I could feel them. They are gone now.
Saw my primary care yesterday, who congratulated me on being done. I told him I NEVER want to do that again. I will, if I ever have to, but given my druthers... I got a flu shot, which is now swollen and red with a huge almost spider-web bruise. I want sympathy for that--and I really want it to feel better before people start massaging every muscle I have.
Today was terribly exciting in that I saw no doctors at all. Can life get any more exciting than that? I celebrated by lounging until after 11 in the morning, finishing my next to last Sue Grafton book. I've moved on to T is for Trespass. When I finish that, I'll just have to wait around for the next one the way I waited for the Harry Potter books. Not to worry, I have a new series to start by Nevada Barr. The good thing about driving to Sonoma is that I can take as many books and as much yarn as I want. I've got a sweater for Glenn in the works and a baby blanket that I'm already bored with but will finish--thinking about taking yarn and needles for a new project, since I'll be there for a week. Let's face it, you just can't be slathered with lotions, potions, and creams 24 hours a day--you need to knit and read too.
So there I am. My beloved Bears are playing tomorrow, may they do well. I'm nearly packed with way more than I need, but you just never can tell what you might want.
xxooxx

Done!

Like Robert Redford, at the end of "The Candidate," I find myself asking "What do I do now?" Oh I have follow up appointments scheduled and it will take me a few weeks to get my strength back, but the daily focus on cancer is over. I'm doing well and looking forward to lounging tomorrow--at least until my podiatrist appointment in the afternoon. Beside my upcoming trip to Sonoma, the only excitement is "how will my hair grow back?' It is already taking on color--well, some dark amid the white. It isn't long enough to see if it will be curly or wavy. I still have mounds of paper to throw away or deal with in some other way, and much work to make the bedroom semi-tidy, so I think I will manage to fill my time. Sonoma will be a nice break. I'll start to try eating things that have been off the list through radiation--just not too quickly. I got through that remarkably well, so I don't want to jinx things.
So that's where we are--finishing healing and happy to be a cancer survivor.
xxooxx

Seasons

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. Now when I was a little girl, all seasons changed on the 21st, regular as clockwork. Now it moves around--or they have more specific ways of timekeeping and can pinpoint it more accurately. The point of this particular exercise is to note that I have now been dealing with cancer in one way or another in all four seasons of this year. It started in winter, lost the whole spring and summer to it, and here it is, autumn. The good news is that tomorrow I'm done with treatment. I don't know quite what's in store after that. I see my oncologist after my last radiation, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I know there is some recuperative time after radiation, and I know that life will never be the same. So here's to autumn, changing leaves, the earth preparing for winter. People way we don't have seasons here in the Bay Area. We do--they are just subtle. You have to appreciate small changes. I do.
xxooxx

September 21

Our mother died 16 years ago today. I hope that means she's having a great Sweet Sixteen Party in heaven. I miss my mom every day--sometimes more than others. I especially think of her today and also on February 21's. That was the day she was diagnosed with leukemia. This year, it was the last day I worked, though I didn't know it at the time. I was planning on being back at my desk the following Monday and on the Snow Train to Reno the next day. I was not pleasantly surprised.
So what else has gone on in the last few days--not much. I was not overcome with a desire to clean. As a matter of fact, I learned that it is not such a good idea to clean at night--you miss lots of stuff. There I was, so proud of vacuuming the landing and four stairs--the stairs are still pretty clean, but the landing is covered with dust again--which makes the whole exercise pretty pointless. Think of how much more I could accomplish if I waited till it were hip deep.
The Giants lost yesterday, every PacTen team I rooted for lost yesterday--and yes, I did root for the Bruins. I'll root for them whenever they aren't playing my Bears. They are cousins, after all. Today was a problem, because the Giants and 49ers were on at the same time. We watched the football game. It didn't matter, because the Giants were still 0-0 against the Dodgers in the 11th inning after the 49ers won. Then I got to watch the Giants win. Altogether a satisfying day, even if I was reminded of a really bad day.
That's it for now--it's halftime between the Packers and Dallas. I have to root for the Packers because (a) they aren't Dallas and (b) their QB went to Cal. I generally don't know who to root for when there are Cal players on each side.
xxooxx

Not a good sign

Counting down--only two more to go. My beloved Giants whooped the Dodgers tonight, 7 to nothing. They were doing so well so early on, that I got out the Dirt Devil, plugged it in, and vacuumed the landing and the upper stairs. Now there are only four, but if I have the energy to vacuum, something is seriously wrong. I've been making small inroads in the bedroom, too. I must have too much time on my hands or I'm feeling too good. Actually, the radiation is starting to catch up with me, only instead of getting tired at the end of the day, that's when I get my first wind. I feel pretty wretched in the morning, but it gets better as the day goes on. I have some minor skin irritations, but no big deal.
Today was Charlie's last day at radiation. I will miss him and his wife, Bonnie. Evan still has a ways to go, so I'll get to see him, his wife, and their baby who will be one in 10 days--probably not Monday, because I have blood work before radiation and it seems to take them forever--but if I leave early enough on Tuesday I'll see them for a good luck hug. Charlie is in a wheelchair--don't know why, maybe polio because he wears braces. He didn't get a good luck hug--I pulled his baseball cap off and planted a kiss on his head. I have trouble passing up heads. Although, just for the record, Charlie has more hair than I do.
My hair is growing. My eyebrows are coming in enough that I no longer need eyebrow pencil. I can use it if I want to, but I don't look like an alien without it. Eyelashes are coming back, too.
Wednesday, on the way into radiation, they were playing Eine Kleine Nachtmusik on Mozart in the morning. That was Lee's favorite piece, no foolin'. I wept quietly all the way to San Mateo--and felt like an idiot for doing it. I lied on Tuesday's post--I did have something to do in the evening, but it was knitting circle, and that is a pleasure. Last night I went to an Eastern Star meeting--haven't been to that chapter since before the infection--seems like and awfully long time ago.
Besides light vacuuming, I practiced a little tonight--real violin, not fiddle. I ordered some new music several weeks ago. It came this week, so I had to try it out. I'm a little rusty. The new A string that I put on at the Gulch still isn't too excited about staying in tune, so I had to keep stopping and tightening it. I remember my last violin teacher, that I studied with for 22 years, saying that she had a student whose family took his violin back to the store because it kept going out of tune. Little violinist joke there. But then, my late friend, Glenn (as opposed to my son, Glenn) worked with someone who wanted to learn the viola, so he bought one and paid someone to tune it. I sure wish I had THAT gig.
Time to wind down and try to get to sleep. Don't have a clue what I'll do tomorrow--maybe clear out more floor space in my room. Now there's a scary thought.
xxooxx

Recovering from the weekend

Even though I really didn't DO anything, I'm still recovering. Yesterday I had blood work before radiation, so I didn't get to say good by to the girl just before me who finished her treatment. I did have a rare treat Monday afternoon. The Bride whose wedding I attended in August was working and had a layover in San Francisco. Did I feel well enough to have coffee with her? You betcha. I picked her up at the airport, and we spent the afternoon drinking pomegranate tea and catching up. I loved her at eleven and I love her now all grown up.
Today I had a longer session because the changed my radiation--took lots of x-rays and "boosted" (their word) my radiation for the last week. Five more days to go! I just don't know what I will do with my time when I have no more treatments to go to.
I went down town at noon for an appointment. I walked up to Union Square afterwards and stopped in at North Face to personally thank the manager I worked with in January to get me ready for my trip to Lake Louise--and tell her my story about the ski pants saving my life. I also went into Britex to buy buttons for the latest sweater, then down to the San Fransisco Center where I could take an escalator down to BART. I was going to do some grocery shopping, but was just too tired. I fell asleep watching Judge Judy and barely had time to heat up some dinner before I was off to Session meeting at church. Blessedly I have NOTHING to do all day and evening tomorrow after radiation.
xxooxx

Back from Fresno

It wasn't so bad, as weekends in Fresno go. I didn't have to drive and I spent very little time out of doors in the heat. It took us forever to get there on Friday because there was a big accident and fire on 580--all gone by the time we passed it, but it took about two hours to get from my house to the east side of Altamont Pass. After that, it was pretty much smooth sailing. Not really a problem, except that we had a 7 PM dinner. Even that wasn't so bad, because seats were saved for us. I had to moisturize (one of the treats that comes with radiation) and change after I checked in, but thanks to a few years in little theatre during my college years, I'm a quick change artist and really didn't miss much. It was a buffet and our table was among the last to get in line, so we could have been lots later and it wouldn't have mattered. I did get tired of sitting and my hips hurt.
Saturday morning, I had an early breakfast, because the Cal Bears (my beloved Cal Bears) were on ESPN with a nine o'clock game against Maryland. They didn't really get cracking until the second half--if the game had been five or ten minutes longer, they might have pulled it out. As it was, they lost, but not as badly as it looked like they were going to lose. After the game, I went trotting off to try on my dress for Grand Chapter. It is too long, so I didn't get to bring it home. At least it is pretty, which my last two Deputy Grand Chapter dresses weren't. After the dress fitting, I debated on lunch or a nap. I really wanted to have a late lunch/early dinner, because the reception (the whole reason for going to Fresno) started at 7:30 but we had to be there by six for pictures. My hips were still hurting pretty bad, so the nap won. I set my alarm for 3 then lounged till about 3:30 and went off in search of food. To my displeasure, I discovered that the coffee shop closed from 2 to 5. Ah, but there was room service! Back to the room, checked the menu for something I could eat, called and placed my order. The girl who took it said it would take about half an hour. That gave me time for a bath. All clean and dressed, I waited for lunch with my book. At about 4:40, when I still had no lunch and was feeling like a refugee, I called to see how much longer it would be. Let me check, says the girl, and clicks off. Presently, my phone rang and it was actual room service, who had no record of my order. By now, I was starting to steam. The y took my order again--turkey sandwich, no tomatoes, diet coke, and chocolate ice cream. About how long will that take, I asked. When they said another half an hour, I lost it. The room service manager got on the line and said he would comp my meal. Fine, I said, see what you can do. It was looking like dinner wouldn't get to me till around 5:15 at the earliest. I put on my makeup and read more of my book. Eventually, a very nice young man brought my lunch. The turkey sandwich included the tomato that I can't eat while I'm on radiation, but no cranberry sauce that was promised on the room service menu--and I had to put my own mayo on it. It included fries, which were good, but I couldn't open the catchup, so there went my veggie. There was no diet coke and the chocolate ice cream was chocolate cake. But it was free and I was starving. I managed to eat, get into my dress, and cross the street (painfully, the hips were really hurting) in plenty of time for pictures. So there really is a free lunch...
The reception was nice, but long--those hips again. There is just no way to sit comfortably. I saw many friends and wouldn't have missed it for the world. I was really hurting by the time it was over.
The trip home was uneventful and quick--no traffic to speak of. I got home in time to see most of the 49ers game--they won in overtime, as did the Giants, in extra innings. Sure, now that it doesn't matter, the Giants are winning.
So here I am, ready for a blessedly early night. I have to get to the hospital early tomorrow morning to have my port flushed (sounds nasty but it isn't) before radiation. Glenn is going to take me, he says, because the girl from his 5th grade class finishes her radiation tomorrow and he wants to wish her well. He'll come with me Tuesday, too, because that is Radiation Oncologist day, and he likes to be there for the doctor appointments.
I took my camera with me this weekend, but it never left my room, so you will just have to use your imagination for beautiful downtown Fresno.
xxooxx

Exercise

So, there I was, after radiation, feeling sorry for myself, playing Spider solitaire and not looking forward to my self-assigned task for the day--trying to create a little space of order out of the chaos that is my bedroom (we'll save the office for sometime when I REALLY have nothing to do), and Glenn says "Do you want to to for a walk?" Heck, yeah! So off we go to the rec trail. We didn't make it the whole three miles, but we did go two, slowing way down for the hills and resting a lot--I think I was doing 35 minute miles. We saw deer, a lizard, and lots of water fowl. It was warm enough but not hot and not cold, the fog having flown earlier in the morning. So now here I am, revitalized, ready to watch the Giants win again (they are on a streak). Unfortunately, I will have to put off the order out of chaos--there is only so much energy that I can expend in a single day, and I've used up today's allotment. This evening is knitting circle at church. I'll take some show and tell, then I can send it off to my sister for her friends. I think I'll go to radiation tomorrow.
xxooxx

Random thoughts

The mind is an amazing thing. I can remember that I was in horrible pain for a week or so in February, before my surgery, but I couldn't for the world remember how it felt. I can remember how scared I was when the incision opened with infection, and how miserable I was in the hospital, but I can only tell you that I was uncomfortable. I can remember the orc wars, but can't remember how sick I felt while they were going on, just that I felt really bad. I can remember that I was utterly exhausted when I seemed to have one red blood cell in my body, shuttling oxygen around, but again, I can't recapture the feeling. And those are all good things. As I can see the end of treatment (two more weeks of radiation), I remember that it was not fun, for the most part, but I don't remember specifics. Thank you, God, for making it work that way. After all this time, which in the big scheme of things wasn't' really that long, I am still overcome with feelings only of gratitude for the friends who have helped, and are continuing to help, along the way. There may yet be treats in store from the radiation, but I know that they, too, will pass and become a dim memory of something. There are still occasional "Why me" feelings, but they go away. I have known from the beginning that I will be fine. All of this has just been bumps in the road--a few major pot holes--but something that will be behind me soon.
That's it for today's musings.
xxooxx

Hair!

It seems to be coming back. Not necessarily where I would like it, but coming back all the same. This morning I had to put the tweezers to my chin--don't remember the last time I did that, sometime in May, I think. It may be wishful thinking, but I think I see baby eyebrows when I'm penciling on something that passes for them. My legs felt a little scratchy when I put lotion on them this morning. And the head. I think I see and feel new growth. That will take the longest time, of course. One of my friends in radiation, breast cancer, started chemo after I did and finished before (is that fair?), said she and no hair then all of a sudden there it was. The downside of hair coming in is that it renders the cranial prostheses even hotter and itchier.

I still have tingly fingers and toes. Sometimes I think they are tingling more and that is the start of feeling coming back, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know which I'm looking forward to more--a full head of hair or feeling in my fingers and toes.

Of course, I still have projects going. This is a sweater for ME, although one of the wives in the radiation waiting room thinks is would do handsomely in her wardrobe. Guess again.

This one is for the baby of one of my sister's friends. It's kind of fun to work on something completely new and different--even if I do have to rip it out more often than the patterns I can do in my sleep.

That seems to be it for now. The Giants were quite spectacular yesterday--unfortunately, I was watching the 49ers at the time, who weren't. Don't these people know they are part of my recovery?

xxooxx

Gulch Pictures

Our cabin

The start of the hike to the dining hall

Still going down

The steps to the first bridge

Looking back at the steps

The flat part between the bridges

The steps up to the dining hall

Just about there

In the dining hall with Aimee and part of Marge.

Getting back to the cabin was down the steps, over two bridges, with the glorious flat part, then up the other steps and hiking up the rest of the hill. I usually lay down when I got to the cabin. The hikey stick was a real blessing.

The Band--Keeping up with the Joneses--for this year